If I’m to be completely honest, I’m in a bit of a funk about Squeaker’s upcoming school year. I wish he could experience Kindergarten like “regular” kids do. Instead, he’s going to be in a class with a modge-podge of ages, with him being the youngest. I’m not sure that he will know or care, but my mom heart hurts for him in ways that I don’t even think I can explain.
Most moms are excited, nervous, etc., about their kids starting Kindergarten. Me? Yes, my baby is growing up. But must he be in a classroom with a 4th-grader? Makes me wish even more that he could be in regular classes. You know…with kids his age.
Also, today was Open House for all other school kids. My son’s teacher had to go to some training during their regular “Meet and Greet” time, so we had to make other arrangements. He still gets to meet her and go see his classroom, but not until tomorrow. And we’ll be the only one there. The positive part of that is there will be no competition for time. We can ask questions and not feel pressured by other parents waiting. But, honestly, there probably wouldn’t have been other parents waiting. I know as a special ed teacher, we don’t get many parents that actually come to these things.
Now, I realize Squeaker could care less about going to Open House with all the other kids. I realize the social aspect of it doesn’t matter to him. But, it does hurt to see him miss these special moments. I remember how it felt when I was a kid, going to Open House. It was exciting and new and I looked forward to it. I am not sure if he feels all of that when he thinks about going to meet his teacher. I certainly don’t feel like he cares about seeing friends that he had last year (because he didn’t have any).
But, my mom heart hurts because I want this to be special for him. But not too special. Know what I mean?
I don’t even know if I’m making any sense right now. I’m tired, I’ve been busy all week trying to get things ready at the school I work at, and I’m not sleeping well lately. Maybe I’m overly sensitive about the differentness of his situation. I love him and I want him to experience the same things other kids his age experience. I also want him to be in a classroom the fits his needs. Yes, he has Autism, and yes, he needs more than most, but I want him to be with his peers and not have to worry about the consequences of people who don’t understand what he is unable to control. Basically, I want to have my cake and eat it too. Is that too much to ask?