I never did learn how to juggle. Juggling: A metaphor for my life. I’m always dropping the balls. Except they aren’t balls. I juggle knives.
“I suppose knives are better than grenades…” countered one of my Facebook friends.
Never one to give up a good bout of pessimism, I rebutted with, “I don’t know. You can drop knives a thousand times, get cut, heal, and do it all over again. Drop one grenade, and the pain is over. I guess it depends on your perspective.”
She replied that healing is good. Maybe it is.
I’m not sure why I do this to myself. Beat myself down.
I’ve put myself in this impossible situation where I’m put way more on my plate than I can possibly handle, and then when it all comes tumbling down–when people get pissed off at me because I’m not who I need them to be, and I get disappointed when I can’t help the people who I’m trying to help–I’m all a mess about it. It’s devastating.
Is it really too much to ask for everything to be 100% okay 100% of the time?
Is it really too much to ask for me to hold up the world around me in order to make that happen? I mean, I’m okay with minor spillage around the edges, but I’m willing to hold the world up, I really am. I will literally put the entire weight of the world on my shoulders if that’s what it takes. Just make it all okay, please.
Here are my demands:
- I want my son to have a good day at school. Every single day.
- Included in those good days at school are appropriate social interactions with peers his own age in the regular classroom.
- I want my younger son to answer questions appropriately that haven’t been scripted for him already so that I can stop worrying about his understanding of language.
- My children will feel loved and supported every single day
- I want all of my friends to get along with all of my other friends.
- Every child in school will have teachers that are loving and supportive. That includes my child.
- Every teacher will understand Autism.
- My friend will stop having to fight for her children and the court system/CPS will consider what’s best for the children in their decision.
- Every day I will know just the right way to teach every single student in my classes
- No one will ever be angry with me. Ever.
- My husband and I will always feel connected with each other.
- I will never feel anxious again.
All of these things must be done. The world must achieve balance. So, if I can’t keep juggling it…it’s just going to have to happen somehow. Right?